Casual Jealousy
by Kodiak Sage
Summary: When Shepard and Kaidan hook up at Shepard's party, things become strained in her friends-with-benefits relationship to Garrus. Is there anything left between them worth saving? Takes place during ME3 Femshep/Garrus with some FemShep Kaidan.
1. Chapter 1

By Kodiak Sage

Author's Note: Written for the ME kinkmeme on LJ. Spoilers for ME3 Shepard/Kaidan and Shepard/Garrus. Rated Mfor sex

* * *

"Grunt," Shepard greeted her Krogan friend cheerfully, a drink in her hand and a smile on her face. The party was going excellent—it was so nice to have all of her friends in one place, and not fighting for their lives for once! She could forget, for the time being, that this apartment had belonged to Anderson, and that he had given it to her mostly because he didn't expect to make it out of the war alive. Truth be told, neither did Shepard. All the more reason to enjoy herself while she could.

"Shepard," Grunt croaked his customary greeting at her and turned back to the door controls, where he was getting a kick out of telling people to go away. Shepard watched in amusement for a few minutes, until the video feed turned to a familiar face.

"Oh shit."

"Shepard?"

"It's Kaidan." Shepard's mind tore itself apart for a minute while she looked for excuses to turn Kaidan away, but in the end she drew a blank. "Let him up Grunt."

"If you say so Shepard." Grunt said, pushing the buttons to allow Kaidan access to the tower.

Shepard waited by the door, her eyes darting around to make sure that the rest of her guests were unaware of this little blip. Her gaze lingered on Garrus for an extra moment, but then the door chimed behind her and Kaidan was walking in.

"This way," She said coldly to him before he could speak. She downed the drink in her hand and set the empty glass on the table in the hallway. Her mouth burned with the alcohol and her mind went a little more numb. Kaidan followed her into the "workout" bedroom and Shepard closed the door behind them.

"I didn't know you were having a party." Kaidan said awkwardly. He was wearing his Alliance utility gear and he looked tired, as if he'd come to see her after a long day of work. Whatever his work consisted of nowadays. Shepard hadn't kept in close contact with him after turning down his offer to join her on the Normandy again. It had been a calculated thing. Shepard could feel the hurt in his voice when he mentioned the party, but she only stared back icily. She wasn't going to give into his sad, brooding manipulations. Not again.

"Why are you here Kaidan?" Shepard asked. She folded her hands over her chest and cocked out one hip defiantly. If she were in uniform, she'd look very imposing. In her little black cocktail dress and heels, however, she just looked ready to pounce.

"I just want to talk to you. I want to understand what happened. My next mission…might be my last. And I don't want there to be any bad blood between us."

"You're a Spectre now." Shepard said. It was an observation, a train of thought to anchor her to the present. Kaidan wasn't some young lieutenant anymore who needed protecting or mentoring. Spectre Major Alenko technically outranked her. "What's your mission. Can I help?"

"It's classified," Kaidan's face was stone. "You can help by answering my questions."

Shepard didn't like his response one bit. She turned and paced to the punching bag and back, her hands clenched in fists so tight her finger joints cracked. She hated his condescending attitude, his expectation of her cooperation, the fact that he had to come tonight, during her party! Shepard took a breath. She could do this. She could talk to Kaidan, answer his questions, get him gone. The quicker this was done, the sooner he could leave.

"Fine. Interrogate me. We'll see where this goes."

Kaidan's shoulders slumped as he relaxed. He was getting what he wanted after all. "Why did you refuse my offer?"

Shepard made a half-snorting noise in her throat. "There's too much history and drama between us Kaidan. You're a good soldier, a good man. I can trust you to drop an enemy, but damn it Kaidan I can't trust you not to fuck up my personal life! Do you know what it was like after talking to you on Horizon? Do you know how fucked up it was that we were arguing over Udina at gunpoint?"

"How you felt?" Kaidan's gravelly voice rose an octave. "I had to live for two years knowing that you were dead! Then I find out that you're screwing some alien—"

"Some alien?" Shepard wanted to scream, to throw a punch, to do anything but listen to Kaidan talk about Garrus that way. She had to work to keep her voice low, but she didn't even try to hide the venom she felt in every syllable. "That alien saved your sorry ass more times than you can count! And after the way you treated me, you had no business being jealous. You made it clear that you had moved on."

"I made it clear that I needed time to figure out—"

"I was on a suicide mission, Kaidan. I didn't have time to let you figure your shit out."

"Well I'm going on a suicide mission tomorrow Shepard."

A silence fell between them. Shepard's anger was sucked away like leaves out an airlock. She didn't hate Kaidan. Despite the anger and the coldness and the frustration, she didn't. And she knew more than anyone how he felt just then. Not having a chance to make things right with him before she went through the Omega 4 relay had been hell. She'd had time for all of the loose-end missions for everyone on her crew, but she hadn't taken the time to seek out Kaidan and get her own heart in order. She had taken her best friend to bed instead and convinced herself that she had simply moved on, but had she? She thought so, until she saw Kaidan standing in front of her with his strong jaw and deep oak eyes. When she was looking at him, when she could see his precious little quirks and hear his gravelly voice—when he was real to her, she doubted.

"I am sorry Kaidan. I'm sorry that things didn't work out between us." She stepped forward and took his hands in hers. They were large and warm, with calluses along the palms and hairs on the back. Familiar. Close to home.

Kaidan leaned forward and kissed her, slowly, sweetly, tentatively. The taste of him was just how she remembered, his mouth on hers was déjà vu. She pressed herself against him and felt tears well up for the first time in a long time. Not since Thessia—but now, with Kaidan, their doomed romance and their last chance triggered an emotion in her, hot and desperate. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was something else, but Shepard's hands moved to the back of his head and pressed him into her chest. Kaidan's hot breath steamed against her, his hands were under her skirt. Shepard wanted this—she wanted him. She rocked her hips in encouragement and hooked a leg around his waist.

They fell onto the bed together like a game of twister. "One last fuck, Kaidan." Shepard panted. She tore off her lacy black underwear and spread her legs even as Kaidan unzipped and climbed on top of her. His clothes were rough against her bare thighs, and his heavy combat boots were going to leave marks on the bed. Normally considerate, normally so polite and apologetic, Kaidan entered her quick and hard. And Shepard wanted it, she wanted to feel something from him besides his pain and fear. She wanted this to be a fuck she would remember for the rest of her life, even after the buzz from the alcohol wore off and years had passed with any number of other lovers. His mouth on her neck was no less gentle, sucking and biting and licking until she arched against him, burning for him in her very soul.

They didn't talk until they were done, when Kaidan climbed off of her and zipped up his pants. He sat up and looked down at her. She allowed herself to smile, finally, a little bit. She felt lightheaded and warm all over. She rolled the other way and swung her feet off of the bed. She fixed her top and smoothed her hair before standing and walking to the door. "I need to get cleaned up and then get back to my guests." She knew, and she knew that Kaidan knew, that that had been the last time. Her doubt was gone now. She wasn't the same woman she had been when they fell in love years ago on the SR-1. And Spectre Major Alenko wasn't the same man.

There was a party going on still, even without her. Shepard could hear the music and the laughter and the clinking of glasses. Kaidan walked to the door of the bedroom and paused in front of her.

"I'll probably always love you Shepard, as fucked up as that is. But I know it's over. I won't come around again."

"I know Kaidan. Good luck with your mission." Shepard said. She touched one tentative hand to his clean-shaven cheek, and then he was gone.

#

The party had indeed continued without her. When she returned to it, freshly made-up and with clean underwear, it had turned into a dancing and whooping and joking kind of party. She joined in the fun as if she hadn't just fucked her ex-boyfriend in the downstairs bedroom. She downed drink after drink as if alcohol could fix her broken personal life.

The hickey Kaidan left on her neck bloomed into a spectacular flower over the course of the evening. Shepard hadn't even realized that it was there until Jack wagged her tongue at her and pointed to her neck while performing a crude congratulatory dance. A quick glance in the mirror brought Shepard's mind right back to that bedroom with Kaidan and a hunted look came over her face along with a realization; there would be no hiding this from Garrus.

Garrus approached her at that very moment, encircling her from behind with his long lean arms, his chuckle resonating through his chest and hers, her back pressed against him. "How's my girl?" he asked, oblivious to what had transpired.

Shepard skirted the question and shrugged out of his embrace, avoiding his gaze the whole time. "I should go," she called out absently. Retreat, retreat! She fled up the stairs to where Liara and Joker were having a conversation about EDI.

"Holy crap Commander, what happened to you?" Joker said. His gaze was fixed on the hickey and his eyes were practically bugging.

"None of your business Joker," Shepard growled at him. She took a drink from the coffee table and downed it without tasting it.

Joker caught on quickly, however, and didn't let it go. "Damn! I knew Turians had a reputation for being rough, but that is really rough. Like, medi-gel rough."

Unfortunately, Garrus had heard him from the top of the stairs. He had followed Shepard up. Of course. Because he was worried about her. She had been avoiding him, and then shrugged him off downstairs. He looked confused and mildly offended by Joker's teasing. When he got close enough to see the guilty look on Shepard's face, he stopped in his tracks.

Liara sensed instantly that something was wrong. She stood up and put a hand on Joker's shoulder.

"Jeff, we should go down and ask EDI how she feels about the tech we talked about. As a sentient AI, she should have some say in what happens to her, don't you think?"

Jeff caught the look on Shepard's face. He looked back and forth between Shepard and Garrus, then stood up, crouched over painfully without his crutches. "Uh, yeah. Of course." Liara helped him over to the stairs as quickly as she politely could.

Alone, Garrus approached Shepard, his expression blank. When they were facing each other, he raised a hand and briefly touched the large red and purple mark on her neck. Their eyes met.

"Who was it?" he asked matter-of-factly. Shepard didn't do him the dishonor of lying, or looking away. She wasn't sure if she hated herself for fucking Kaidan, or for not being clear with Garrus that she didn't feel like they were an exclusive item. The hurt in his eyes struck her to the bone.

"Kaidan came by a little while ago." She said. She was trying to sound nonchalant, but there was no way it came out that way. Garrus knew her too well not to see that she was struggling, burning on the inside from a fire that had scorched her heart and soul, leaving nothing but chaos.

"I see." Garrus said. "Are you okay?"

Shepard knew he wasn't just referring to the bruise on her neck. It was killing her that he could be so good, so thoughtful, so calm. That he could play the best friend when she knew—or thought that she knew—that he would rather be the one in her bed. When she didn't' say anything, Garrus shifted his weight from foot to foot nervously. "I just mean, I know that you and Kaidan have a kind of painful history."

"You could say that." Shepard admitted. Her stomach hurt, but she didn't know if it was the alcohol or the current conversation that was causing it. How could he just stand there? Why wasn't he throwing a tantrum at her, yelling and shouting and calling her a low-down double-crossing drunk-ass whore? Why wasn't he fighting for her?

"I'm not mad, if that's what you're wondering. I never thought that what we had was anything more than friends blowing off steam together. We never agreed…" He clicked his mandibles in agitation, and Shepard could tell that he was distressed. He was saying everything right, but then why did it feel like she was falling apart?

"Not just friends," She attempted to save the situation, but all she could feel was the churning in her gut, the pounding in her head. "Best friends."

"Yeah." Garrus gave a feeble laugh. "If you need me for anything…" he walked away. Down the stairs and back to the party.

Shepard was alone. She ran to the bathroom and puked into the toilet.

#

Shepard must have blacked out, because the next thing she knew, she was laid out on the bathroom floor and Liara was squatting next to her, rubbing a cool wash cloth over her forehead. Her stomach felt better, but the rest of her felt like shit.

"I fucked up." Shepard said. She closed her eyes and wished that her stupid, stupid body would just sink into the floor so that she could never get up and act like an idiot again.

"Hm." Liara made a noncommittal sound and continued her ministrations. Liara always knew when to just be quiet. She could tell a whole story with just one look, after all.

Shepard wanted to stop talking, but her mouth was still going, out of her control. Her thoughts seemed to spill out of her like the contents of her stomach just had. "Kaidan just showed up…gave me some line about a suicide mission, and that was it. I fucked him. I wanted it, too, until it was over. And then I realized that I didn't want him at all, and he didn't want me. I fucked up my chance for something real with Garrus because I was so eager to fuck Kaidan and make sure there wasn't anything there." Tears were threatening again, but Shepard bit them back. She didn't want Liara to see her cry.

"How do you know how Garrus feels until you ask him? He is a very understanding man," Liara said wisely. She helped the alcohol-soaked commander to sit up.

Shepard ignored the sage advice. "Ah, shit. Can you hand me that tube right there in the vanity?" She pointed to the soothing cream that Mordin had given her in case of chaffing. Chaffing against a _turian_. She spread her legs and rubbed cream into the red rashes where Kaidan's utility pants had rubbed her raw during their encounter. Liara looked away politely, then replaced the tube in the cabinet and helped Shepard to her feet when she was done. She never would have thought she'd need that cream for something like this…she was disgusted with herself, but at least her legs felt better.

"You don't have to come back down you know," Liara said. "I can just tell everyone you were feeling ill."

"Thanks Liara, but this is my party. I'm okay now. I just…need to put my personal drama away for a while. We can break out the cards and get some games going. I need a distraction."

Liara gave Shepard a serious look with eyes as sharp and multi-faceted as diamonds. "Don't put away your personal life for good Shepard," She murmured gently.

"Right." Shepard plastered her smile back on and shrugged off Liara's helping hand. "I need another drink."


	2. Chapter 2

Garrus suddenly didn't feel like partying anymore. Every time his mind wandered, he saw the two of them together—Shepard and what he had assumed was her former human lover—on the bed making love. In his imagination they were naked, and noisy, screwing like the apes he'd seen at the presidium zoo. It didn't help that he knew every sound Shepard would make, every special place that she loved to be kissed, and licked and cradled, her favorite positions and even what songs she liked to listen to during sex. All that just made it easier to imagine her with Kaidan.

"Garrus, Traynor wants to know if there are turian lesbians." Tali said. The Quarian's voice forced his mind to lurch back into the present. He noticed how each syllable Tali spoke was executed with precision, a telltale sign that the girl was drunk. She was tugging on his sleeve with a free hand which was also keeping her from wobbling. It was kind of endearing, but mostly just funny.

"Oh yes, though they are a very small minority. I've never met any myself."

"It's pretty common among humans," Traynor informed the small group of people gathered around her. "Not like Asari or anything, but females are considered the superior gender by pretty much everyone."

"Agreed," James said, raising his glass. "To females!"

Garrus raised his glass and drank good naturedly, but then ducked out of the conversation. He didn't really want to think about females just then. It was too painful. He wandered to the empty study to be alone for a moment with his thoughts and the clenching pain in his chest. Shepard. With Kaidan. Why?

He wasn't even sure why he was taking this so badly. Shepard had never said anything to suggest that they were going to be exclusive. Hell, he was the one who referred to sex as "blowing off steam" as if she was just a fuck-buddy who was conveniently better at satiating his lust than he was on his own. There wasn't really any talk of love or what would become of them after the war, or even going out together on a real date. He had started to show more affection in public, maybe a little possessiveness…was she reacting to that? Or maybe she wanted a human every now and then, something to satisfy her in a way that he couldn't—without the chaffing and the allergies and the condoms. Kaidan could give her that.

Garrus downed his drink and sighed heavily. Now there was no way he was asking her on a date. Dating was for people who had a future together, not fuck-buddies. How could he bring it up now, knowing that she was okay with seeing other people on the side? Even with this rationale, the heartache just refused to go away. He put it out of his mind and wandered back to the party. Someone had just brought out a deck of cards and he was ready for a distraction.

#

Jack and Joker weren't the only one who noticed the hickey. Tali mistook it for a tattoo through her cheese-smeared violet face-plate and declared it the most delightful portrait of Captain Anderson she had ever seen. Jacob asked if she had hurt herself while cooking , and Traynor asked her privately how turians managed to do that without lips.

Garrus just avoided her. The sight of Shepard with that huge red and purple bruise on her neck just infuriated him every time he saw it. It rekindled his lurid imaginings of Shepard with Kaidan, and what he would do and say to Kaidan if he showed back up at the party. It would not be pretty. Just because Garrus had left his gun on the Normandy didn't mean he couldn't do some serious damage to a human, even a Spectre like Kaidan. And he wanted to pound Kaidan to a bloody, pulpy mess. Garrus knew that it was irrational, but a part of him didn't care. His vengeance fantasy was better than the feeling of emptiness he felt when he thought about Shepard with another man.

Shepard, on the other hand, mistook Garrus' jealous anger for disgust with her. Her guilt only spiraled more and more out of control. She couldn't bring herself to hate Kaidan for coming to her the night before a suicide mission, but she could hate herself for not just keeping it platonic. She lost hand after hand of cards, until finally the evening wound down and people began to leave or find places to sleep. She had two extra bedrooms and plenty of couches, after all.

At the very end of the night, Garrus and Shepard came face to face at the bottom of the stairs. The stood apart like statues flanking a doorway. Shepard wanted to reach out to him, to apologize and be held in his strong lean arms. She missed the smell of him and his deep resonating voice. Before she could speak, however, Garrus held up a hand. "Not tonight Shepard. Another time maybe."

"Yeah." Shepard shrugged her shoulders and smiled carelessly, and then went up to her bed alone. She thought that she wouldn't be able to sleep, but the alcohol in her system wouldn't let her stay awake any longer than it took for her to kick off her heels and lie flat. She was out in an instant.

#

Garrus went back to his bunk on the Normandy that night rather than sleep at Shepard's apartment. He had assumed they would be spending most of their nights together on shore leave and so hadn't arranged to get a hotel room on the citadel. It was strange sleeping in the quiet, resting ship without the hum of the drive core and the clatter of other people about. In dry dock for the retrofits, it felt like sleeping in a tomb. He was restless too, thinking about Shepard. What had she meant by sleeping with Kaidan? Was it just old tensions come to the surface this once, or was Garrus her turian on the side when she couldn't be with Kaidan? The thoughts seemed to stab at his mind like little pricking needles, keeping him from relaxing.

Maybe what he needed was a break from Shepard, and from romance in general. He could go to Chora's Den and get some much needed release from an unknown Asari. He used to do that every now and again, back on Omega before he and Shepard had even considered romance. It might help him think straight if he wasn't so sexually charged.

#

Shepard woke up with a hangover that rivaled the ass kicking she had gotten from Kai Leng. Her stomach felt like a snake pit and her head felt like it had been stomped on by a herd of angry Krogan. She squinted in the dim light of the apartment and glanced at the clock. 0600 ship time. She staggered to the bathroom to empty her bladder and then went back to bed.

The next time she woke up, it was to another cool cloth on her forehead. "You don't have to do that Garrus," Shepard murmured before opening her eyes. Liara's sapphire eyes looked down at her sympathetically. Her head felt better, but still tender. Her stomachache was gone.

"It's me Shepard. I'm sorry, but Garrus left last night."

"And you didn't?' Shepard asked. She sat up slowly and looked around, as if expecting him to pop out of the closet laughing.

"I wanted to make sure that you were okay. I slept in the other bedroom, but I checked on you periodically. It wouldn't do for Commander Shepard, hero of the citadel, to die of alcohol poisoning." She fiddled with some bottles and handed Shepard some pills and a glass of water.

Shepard took the pills and silently agreed, until her memory of the night before came flooding back to her. Oh yeah, there had been a really good reason for all that drinking.

"What were you thinking, Shepard?" Liara's voice was a mix of admonishment and exasperation.

"I wasn't thinking. I was drinking." Shepard growled, as much at herself as at Liara. The Asari pursed her lips and shook her head.

"You told me the whole story in the bathroom last night Shepard. I imagine you hurt Garrus' feelings terribly by hooking up with Kaidan, no matter what your reasoning."

"You think I don't know that?" Shepard asked. She was trying not to be angry with patient, understanding Liara, but her own self-hatred was beginning to overflow onto her friend. She took a deep breath and gulped down the rest of the water. She realized what she was implying by acknowledging that she'd hurt Garrus and quickly changed her tune. "Thanks Liara. But…I don't think that Garrus wants to be anything more than friends."

"Friends don't wake up next you in the morning, Shepard. They aren't hurt when you sleep with another man." Liara said. "Faithfulness and jealousy are for lovers."

"Can you really call us lovers if there's no love there?" Shepard got up off the bed. She felt disgusting. A shower was in order, and then maybe food. And possibly more pain meds. "It's just sex. Surely you understand that, as an Asari. "

"What are you implying, Shepard?" Liara's brows were furrowed. It was angrier than Shepard had seen the doctor in a long time.

"Nothing. I'm just trying to keep you from implying things about my life that aren't true." Shepard shucked off her dress and went into the bathroom to clean up, ignoring Liara's offended look. Shepard know that she was being a galaxy-class bitch, but she didn't care. Lashing out at Liara was keeping her from having to feel the horrible ache from the empty place in her heart where she usually thought of Garrus.

Liara was gone when Shepard finished with her bath. The commander felt bad about what she had said, especially since Liara had only been trying to help her. Shepard had been catty, which was unlike her. Shepard prided herself on being level-headed and fair, but this romance bullshit had her doing things she never would have thought possible. Like fucking Kaidan when she really only wanted to fuck Garrus. That was the heart of this whole thing. She never realized how much she liked him…maybe even loved him…until there was a possibility of losing him.

She sent Garrus three messages that day, and he returned none of them. There was no way to know if it was because he hadn't checked his terminal, or because he didn't want to talk to her. She turned on vids of the fighting sim and lay on her bed in sweat pants and a tank top. Other than venturing to the kitchen for a protein shake, she had no intention of moving until she got a call that the refit of the Normandy was complete.

#

Though recently renovated and reopened, Chora's Den was just like Garrus remembered—dark and loud and full of men looking for an anonymous lover to ease their tensions. Criminals huddled in the darker corners, but Garrus was no longer C-Sec and so ignored them. He knew that they knew him—turians with half of their faces blown off weren't as common on the citadel as they were on Omega—but he didn't care. If he wasn't in an exclusive relationship with Shepard, which she had made clear to him was the case, then he had nothing at all to hide.

Almost as soon as he sat down he was approached by a nameless young Asari wearing almost nothing. He ordered a drink and watched the girl dance. Sweat gleamed on the midnight skin of her ample cleavage, and her hips undulated seductively. Garrus ordered a drink with a hand gesture at the bartender and was shortly served by another busty Asari maiden.

The dancer moved in closer after he threw back the drink and put her hands on his knees. "Would you like a more…private show?" she asked. Her eyes were deep green and looked incredibly young to him, despite the fact that she had probably lived twice as many years as he had. She looked genuinely interested in him, and Garrus didn't care if it was because of his credit chit or his reputation.

"Why the hell not?" he asked her. He ordered another drink and followed her to one of the back rooms reserved for that specific purpose.

The Asari performer resumed her dancing, this time with more emphasis on the taking off of her clothes. Garrus sat back and tried to enjoy himself. Every time guilt crept into his conscience, he took a long swig of his drink and rubbed himself through his pants to try and encourage this encounter along. The Asari was very well endowed. Her breasts swung and bounced as she rolled her body to the music, and Garrus couldn't take his eyes off of them—but not for the reason he had hoped when he came here. He couldn't help and compare them to Shepard's smaller, paler, more pert breasts. He couldn't help but remember how Shepard would moan and writhe when he trailed his rough tongue over them.

The dancer noticed his erection and sunk to her knees between his legs. "Do you want the ambassador treatment or the full on councilor?" she asked. Her hand snaked up his thigh and lingered on the bulge in his pants.

Garrus closed his eyes. He should do this. Shepard didn't want him, and he didn't want to want her so much. But he wasn't sure if he was ready to do as she did and fuck someone else. "Just…the ambassador," he said. He leaned his head back and kept his eyes closed as nimble blue fingers expertly opened the fly of his pants and withdrew his member. His mind couldn't help but see Shepard's cocky grin, imagine it was her fingers around him, stroking and pulling. He heard her chuckle in his ear and imagined her hair brushing against his leg. Until he felt the Asari's hot breath on him though, and her wet mouth around him, and her strong tongue lapping at him. There was no imagining himself away from reality then. He was in a grimy back room at a strip club getting head from an Asari dancer. It was too different. This dancer didn't use her tongue just so, didn't grip him as hard, didn't laugh and smile and banter with him.

Garrus tried to enjoy the resulting orgasm, but it was one of the most lackluster of his life. He hadn't felt so let down sexually since he was a teenager jacking himself off in his bunk at basic training. What made it worse was the knowledge that he could have fought harder for Shepard to be with him. If he had said something different before, or asked her on that date, or hell if he had just offed Kaidan…

The dancer was looking at him expectantly. Garrus stood and straightened his clothes. "Thanks," he said absently. He swiped his credit chit on the slot next to the door and strode out without looking either at the price or the dancer. Neither of them meant anything to him. He passed the bar this time without stopping for a drink. He had to get out of there. He had to find Shepard. His denial of his feelings were over. He had to tell her how he really felt.


	3. Chapter 3

When the door chimed, Shepard had every intention of just letting whoever it was rot out there with no answer, until she realized that it could be Garrus. She jumped up and mashed the buttons on the intercom. It was him. Her breath caught in her throat at the sight of him, there, only a few hundred yards away. "Come up," she said quickly, scrambling around her room to kick her dirty clothes and towels into a pile and run a brush through her mussed hair. She wished that there was time to put make-up over that thrice-damned hickey, but she could hear footsteps on the stairs. Why had she bothered with her room? She had a whole damn apartment to meet him in—but there he was in the doorway, looking serious and handsome as ever. Tall and strong, with a handsome crest and bold blue tattoos over his silver skin. He wore rumpled civvies and looked uncomfortable.

"Garrus," Shepard said. Her stomach felt like it had dropped onto the floor, taking her ability to speak with it.

"Shepard," he took a few steps into the room, scanning the general disarray of both the room and it's occupant. "Can we talk?"

"Of course." Shepard sat down on the bed. Garrus took the black leather recliner, but he didn't sink into it comfortably like usual. Instead, he perched on the edge, his hands between his knees.

"I just went to Chora's Den. I had a pretty Asari dancer blow me."

Shepard was surprised by this...confession. Did he really have to tell her? She knew that turian honesty was pretty much absolute, but this was uncomfortable, and…She closed her eyes, trying with all her might not to imagine Garrus in a dark room with a willing, beautiful, well-endowed Asari dancer. Her guts still felt like they were on the floor, and now Garrus and some nameless Asari whore were dancing on them. Ouch. She deserved it though. She had told Garrus that things were casual, that they weren't dating. If this was a plot to make her jealous, it was working. She wanted to march down to Chora's Den and start spraying her Avenger at every damn stripper in the joint.

"It was awful." Garrus followed up thoughtfully a moment later.

"Wait, what?" Shepard spat. Now she was just confused all around. How was this supposed to make her jealous?

"I realized that there's only one woman in the galaxy who I want to be intimate with. Hell, I knew before I went down to Chora's Den that that was the case. But I thought…" He made a fist with one hand and then let it fall away, shaking his head sadly. After a short pause, he continued. "I thought you didn't want me around. You're right. We never agreed to be exclusive…but that's what I need from you Shepard. I need you to be with me and only me if this is going to work."

Shepard slumped her shoulders and let her dark hair fall over her face. The tears that she had hidden from Liara came down now. Her whole body shook. Garrus was at her side immediately, brushing her hair and tears away. His arms were around her and she cried onto his shoulder. "I'm sorry Shepard, I didn't mean to upset you with this." Garrus sounded genuinely repentant. "We can still just be friends if you…if you don't want the sex part of it anymore."

"No, Garrus." Shepard said. She clung to him like he was the last tank of oxygen in a vented room. "Please don't say that. I could never give you up. That thing with Kaidan…" her hand went to the hickey on her neck, "that was the last time. We were tying up loose ends, but it won't happen again, ever. We both realized as soon as it happened that it was a mistake. I don't…I don't love him like I love you."

Garrus stared at Shepard in shock. When he had come here to confess to her, a profession of love on her part had been the last thing that he'd expected. At best he had hoped that they would agree that going forward they would act like any other dating couple and take it from there. At worst he expected her to throw him out of the apartment in disgust.

He couldn't speak, so he acted. He braced his hands on her shoulders and pressed his mouth to hers for a kiss. Her surprise soon faded to urgency and she quickly opened her mouth and ran her tongue along his. Her hands were frantic around his neck, pulling him in close to her. There were still tears on her cheeks.

"Shepard, I've loved you since that first night…since before we went through the Omega 4 relay." Garrus knew it was true. He'd never felt so happy as on the days when he woke up next to her in her cabin on the Normandy.

"You've been my closest friend for a long time, Garrus." Shepard said. "But I didn't realize that it was love until…well until about twelve hours ago." Shepard shivered at the still-fresh memory.

"Love, huh?" Garrus held her in his arms. She had never felt so fragile to him as at that moment. When she sighed against his chest, her breath felt shallow compared to his.

"Love, definitely." Shepard pulled him down so that they were lying on the bed together, still holding each other close. She felt safe and comfortable with him, now that the tension of the last day was gone.

Garrus moved in for another kiss, which Shepard obliged. He was gentle with his sharp teeth and long raspy tongue, sweet in a way that Kaidan never could be, despite Garru's lack of humanity. Garrus knew where to put his hands to get the best reaction from Shepard. He tended to her breasts with sighs of delight that were every bit as stimulating as his tongue. He wouldn't dream of entering her until she dripped with her desire for him.

Clothes were peeled off, a condom applied, and love was made. Garrus entered her slowly, arching upwards to brush her core with his tip the way that she had once said felt best. Shepard raked her fingernails along the underside of his fringe and ran her tongue along his scars. He tasted like metal and smelled like the Normandy. When he was inside her, everything was right. There was no doubt or remorse—only the throbbing, wonderful, excruciating pleasure of the present.

Shepard bucked her hips, but Garrus didn't speed up his slow, measured thrusts. She knew he wanted her to beg him, just as he knew she wanted him to go faster. Shepard clenched her thighs around his waist, squeezing him in a way that made him groan and throw his head back.

She squeezed again and smashed her hips against him, again, and again until they had picked up the pace and were fucking their hearts out.

"Garrus," Shepard gasped. She lasted a few more moments, and then she came in a tsunami of pleasure that crashed through her whole body. Garrus followed shortly, murmuring her name in a desperate, resonating tone that Shepard knew was his orgasm. They melted slowly into one another, gentle kisses bringing them both back down to reality. Garrus' sweat dripped onto Shepard's chest and she laughed.

"I don't know how I didn't see it before." Shepard whispered. "_This_ is love."

Garrus only answered her with another kiss. There was no mistaking that for anything but love.


End file.
